the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
