I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
