I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
