This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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