I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
