So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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