How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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