I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't deserve a penis
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
