I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
