you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
