You made me cry and you don't even care
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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