barbara walters just said penis...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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