My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
