Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
