True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
