i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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