just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
