I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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