dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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