I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
