There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
