They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
