she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
