I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize