I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize