I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
