My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
