i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I can text with my tongue
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
