so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
