Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
