ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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