He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I could fuck to npr.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Enjoy the penises
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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