I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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