Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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