She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
