I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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