I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
