I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Randomize
