I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
