Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
