i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
50% drunk capacity currently
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
