Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
