When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
