Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
