cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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