This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
