I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
