Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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