Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
