You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
