Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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