I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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