Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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