what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
