i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
