i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Did I show you my penis last night?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
