totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Edward fifth and chaser hands
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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